Friday, November 28, 2008

A Thanksgiving wish!

I never thought that today I would come across such a surprise in my life. I was too blind to see beyond my very own eyes, when I opened my mailbox earlier in the morning. There it was an e-mail from Him, the one and only person who tattoed me with his love ever since we've been apart for so long now.

I was listening to Alanis' Morissette song "Forgive Me Love" (aka Your House), a couple of days ago and I thought of him very intensively, as if I was the one to crawl into his bedroom and smell the clothes he is wearing. My mind transcended to a virtual space where this was possible even for as long as this song lasted. And now, here he was wishing me a Happy Thanksgiving, while asking me what was the trouble with me lately, as he sensed it from afar! I couldn't and I wouldn't lie to him, much to my surprise. I just let him know about the challenging times I've been into for the past three months or so and I asked him of his whereabouts recently. If he was happy with his life, if he was in love with somebody new, if he's been OK or not.

I'd love to have a cup of tea with him if he was near, to talk about the old times and the new advancements in our lives. I'd face him with gladness, no hard feelings whatsoever, the past is left to memories by now. I'd love to see him again and feel good about it, to cherish the person I would talk to and communicate as we did before. I have the hinch that he's away by now, he has started a new life back in his homeland. I hope he does, life is all about seizing the opportunities that arise in the spark of the moment. No holding back, no stepping aside if not necessary, just carpe diem and the rest will follow.

I remember the things he used to tell me back in 2004 and they still remain intact in the back of my head. You deserve to be happy and I will be glad to provide that for you, he said, while I was not in a state to realize what he meant at that time. Yes damn it, I surely deserve to be happy, as much as anybody else who longs for it, in the face of the earth. I can see that now more than ever. I am tired of feeling like shit when love turns the other way around in my life. Appauled by egotism and flairboyance in the attitude of people I often meet. Where's the true meaning of love, can anybody tell me?

I wasn't able to feel comfortable with his life stance and way of facing things when we were together. I was afraid that his laid back attitude and disclosure would tear us apart. I didn't make the effort to x-ray his reactions and thoughts, all that he said and done was put under my perspective at all times. Big mistake! I didn't eventually love him the way I should, I only loved him with my own dreaded yet insecure notion of love. I didn't realize that then, only now that I've grown older and I can see things from a perspective, I understand much of my wrongdoings.

He obviously caught my mind's signals when I listened to this song that reminded me of him. He showed up in a flash, sending a message of thoughtfulness. I replied not because I had to, but for I wanted to say some things to him in respect to what we had then. I wish to God that he is happy with the life he's leading nowadays. That he has faced the troubles of the past that his family caused him and has made the changes needed to move on. I certainly hope that he has evolved further as a person and that he's been thinking of me without any hard feelings anymore. Afterall, he has always been a spiritual guide and a figure of inspiration to me, that's why I fell in love with him in the first place.

My sweet, my forest fairy, I wish you well. Your message today was one of the most distinctive gifts I would receive for Thanksgiving this year. May the Power be with you at all times, because you know I love you even though you haven't heard it come out of my mouth, but my heart speaks of your name in such a manner, that's hard to deny it.

This one is for You: Alanis Morissette - Your House

I pray to God that you are well, Love of my life...

Marialena, 28/11/2008

Update: On the other hand, I am having second thoughts on whether you deserve to be put in such a high level of esteem on my behalf. You propably do not, since you are just a human being with flaws and weaknesses, like everybody else. You had me and you lost me in a spin when you became mean and messy with me and set up a conspirancy using one of my friends then. I deserve to be happy with someone who believes so and makes it real for me and you my dear, chose the attitude of being vicious, acting like a a self destructive maniac. It's high time I moved on with my life again, you don't deserve my sympathy any longer. The game is over and I'm drawing the cards again to give myself a rest and focus on what I deserve more: love with someone who is ready and able to give love to me and receive love by me. If only you stood like a Man, when the times were calling you to do so, this person could be you once upon a time, but you didn't... 30/11/2008


morgana said...

you Do deserve love. It doesn t come easy, it takes too long to come sometimes.
That s why you have this diary, friends, a job, things to halp you pass by.
these things are not good enough, i know.
Until the dice turns and you get your chance...hold on friend...

Marialena said...

My dear friend, I am not flying high into cloud nine, ignoring what reality looks like. Thank Goodness I have good friends, my diary, my pastimes, a job to provide me with material things and a family to feel like I belong to, while I still believe that the next day will be better than the previous one...

They're more than something, they're almost everything and I am grateful for the good things in my life, so there's no need to cry over spilt milk for now having the right partner for me in my life. If it's meant to be, he will come, if not, I have to make peace with myself and accept the situation as it is...

Hugz and kissez witchy gal!