A reminder for St' Valentine's Day!

AN ENCOURAGING WORD for February 9, 2006 - written by Dr. Thomas Lane Butts, Pastor Emeritus, Monroeville First United Methodist Church tolabu2@frontiernet.net

I Ain’t Moved

St. Valentine’s Day is coming up soon. Perhaps this is a good time to reflect on love and marriage. I did not keep count, but I must have done 2,000 marriages in my 57 years in the ministry. I have received many letters from the people I have married – most of them are positive.

I remember vividly the note I received from a young husband who said, Dear Dr. Butts: Thank you for performing our marriage ceremony. It was beautiful the way you brought my happiness to a conclusion." Well, that shows what a great difference there is between two words that are spelled very much alike: "conclusion" and "consummation."

Several years ago, there was a cartoon of an old man and his wife riding down the road in a pickup truck. In the first frame, he was on the driver’s side with his arm out the window, and she was sitting up against the door on the other side.

The second frame shows this young couple passing them. The girl was sitting so close to the young man that you could hardly tell which one was driving.

The third frame showed the old woman saying to her husband, "Pa, I remember when we used to sit like that!" The fourth frame had the old man responding, "I ain’t moved."

We all start out like the young couple, snuggled up together enjoying each other, really delighting in the closeness of a relationship; and so many marriages (some early on) end up with great distance between two people who thought they would be close forever.

What happens to kill off a relationship that starts with such passion and enthusiasm as a marriage? Dr. Charles Petty, who spends his time lecturing and teaching on marriage and family life, said that no one really knows any one overarching reason for divorce, but he said if he had to say any one thing he would say the word "drift."

People love each other, get married, and ride off into the sunset. The problem is they often ride off in two different cars. All of us remember when we sat close and delighted in the presence of each other.

Probably we would all sing the tune of the old man who protested, "I ain’t moved." Men are bad about that sort of thing. We think that if we told our wives we loved them when we married them, and we have never taken it back, there is no reason to repeat it. "I ain’t moved." That is a mistake.

We do not remember quite how or when it started, but "drift" got us. Little by little, we lose the people we love because we were not intentional in checking out to see where they were, how they were feeling or where they were going and growing.

It only takes a degree, the very slightest degree, to extrapolate into a vast distance over a period of time. And suddenly, someone we love, with whom we were once close, with whom we have had children, disappears over the horizon and they never (emotionally) come back in sight. Drift.

Many people feel guilty because they do not have a perfect marriage. I hate to disappoint you, but there are no perfect marriages. There are no perfect parents. There are no perfect children. There are people who create mythologies about being perfect, but this is mostly due to a poor memory or merely lying to oneself and to others.

Marriage and family life generates more than enough guilt that is realistic. Do not compound that guilt by thinking you must be perfect. We are going to make mistakes with our children.
If marriage works, you will find yourself always having to forgive and be forgiven. Nothing is more detrimental to a good marriage than unrealistic and romanticized expectations that are impossible. Watch out for drift, send flowers, bring candy, and don’t forget to say the "L" word often.